Leo Straub's Admonishments of Doom

Tuesday, June 07, 2005


OK So! I went to see the musical "Cats" for the first time (don't ask about the circumstances) and I must admit, it was very good. Granted, it still reeks of the '80s, but besides the music it's ahead of its time. It clearly depicted the life of a cat to the fullest. Cats crawling around in the alleyways just looking for a scrap to eat. Cats singing in the night to find a mate. Huge bulging crotch areas for the public to see at will. Awkward touching and purring. They have finally nailed the inner workings of a cat. Not like the shit Looney Tunes did with Sylvester.

I know what you’re thinking: "Leo Straub, how the hell would you know what a cat feels like inside?" Well I actually had a cat once. Not to say I bought one nor did I choose to have a cat in the first place. But one day I heard a scratching at my screen door. So I did what any other single person would do. I grabbed a knife and slowly opened the door to peer out tepidly. There was no one there, but when I opened the door I could have sworn I heard a thud. I looked down and this cat was laying on its back with its paws in the air looking for help. It looked up at me as if to say "Pwease hewp me Mithter Thtwaub". And so I did. I put the knife down, picked the cat up, and rushed it to the kitchen. I gave it a warm bath in my sink and then dried it off with my roommate’s towel. While I was drying it I could see a bruise on its head.

Once I cleaned it and fed it as much cheese as I possibly could, I laid it down next to me on the couch and turned on some Looney Tunes. The cat kept clawing and hissing at me to turn that damn Sylvester the Cat off. And so I did. That night, I locked it in my closet with all the pillows I could find (except mine, of course). It was so happy just to have a place to sleep. I could here it scratching and clawing with glee. But I had to get some sleep, so I fed it a sleeping pill in a hunk of cream cheese. That cat and I where inseparable that night. Thank you so much for being a friend, Mr. Cat. And thank you, Andrew Lloyd Webber, for making such a believable musical.


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