Leo Straub's Admonishments of Doom

Thursday, May 26, 2005

It Has To Be Explained.

Most people know me as Leo Straub of "Shout Magazine". HOWEVER, no one really remembers me as Leo Straub of W.A.N.T Pittburgh. Yes, I was once a D.J. on the only free speech radio in Pittsburgh. You want to know why no one remembers me? It's because I left W.A.N.T and frankly they are still bitter about it. Sure they play reruns of Jimmy Fisher's "Show", Greg Farrell's "Show", and Jack Boyds "Show" every now and again. But do they remember the days of Straub? NO! I left for the good of the company and did I get thanked for it? NO!

I recently went to the station to have a chat with Dean (My Roomate), who IS a D.J. at W.A.N.T. I wanted to have a word with him about getting an intercom system put in the place. Now that we live in an apartment building, I just think it would be nice if we could press a button and get ahold of one another wherever we are in the house. ANYWAY, I saw a bunch of my old coworkers there. I was greeted with ether ignorance or annoyance. I can only imagine the kind of stories of me they spread around the office to cover the shame they have for themselves. I'm sure many of the new people there don't know what really happened due to the stories so I figured I'd tell what happened.

Ray, the production manager, sent us (Myself, Dean, and some guy named Gulesspi? Joseppi? Drudespi?) to a promo trip to some sort of "Animal Awareness" expo. Apparently less people are "aware" of animals anymore so we need an expo to remind them. What is an Expo anyway? Short for Exposition? I've looked the word up. It's a show to show off art and sell it. Are animals really art? I've seen some animals that very well could be described as anti-art. Plus, Why are we selling animals like an auction? Are they slaves to us? Someone should abolish petdom. When you have a pet it's a member of the family. Think about it. When was the last time you paid for your Grandma to be apart of the family? Do you need a grandma license? NO!

Anyway, we go to this promo op. NO ONE is coming over to our booth. So, like the team player I am, I go over to the animal boothes and start playing with the animals and while doing so, pitch W.A.N.T. Dean comes over to see how I'm doing. Suddenly as I'm kneeling to pet a Yorkshire Terrier. Some guy "places" a ferret on my shoulder. It's cute for two seconds until the ferret digs it's claws into my neck. Suddenly the pain becomes so unbareable that I stand up and my head moves backwards and knocks the farret in the nose. This causes him to spiral down to the floor. The ferret lays there motionless but still breathing. I hear a kid crying in the background as a mother comforts him telling him that they will get a new ferret. This makes the kid cry harder. How the mother could think a replacement ferret would be sufficient, I'll never know. If I were her I wouldn't tel him anything and let him grieve for at least a day. Then I would get him a badger or something. I had a hamster once and I found out he was dead while listening to Guns and Roses' "November Rain".

SO! Knowing that I can't let this kid down I scoop the ferret into my arms and rush him to the veterinarian hospital. The whole time Dean is with me, not helping the situation by talking nonsense about me getting the station cited with cruelty to animals. And that Guiseppi guy is left at the W.A.N.T table not knowing what the hell happened.

I get to the vet and sign the ferret in as it's being taken away to an emergency room. I realize I'm signing the ferret in with a pen that advertises a human drug. Have you noticed this? Lately, every third pen I see is pushing some sort of drug and it's always for a drug NO ONE but a doctor would know. It was just in hospitals and pharmacy type places at first, but then they started booming in places I wouldn't expect like coffee shops when I sign a credit card bill, clothing stores when I'm making a list of the things I want, or the grocery store when I'm making a list of the stuff I don't want. What exactly are we supposed to do with this information given to us by this pen? "OMINTREAX? Sounds like it can help me... But How? I must call a doctor and get a complete education about this drug! I, too, want to throw footballs through tire swings!"

When the whole fiasco was over, I returned to W.A.N.T. to find that I was being charged with kidnapping a ferret. Little did I know I had to get the family's permission to save its life. Sure, it's paralyzed now but that's not the point. It's alive. The little child can read it all the stories it wants. They can still feed and love it almost like they did before. And I told the family where I took it over the phone. They knew where to get it.

But now the station was in a real shit fest for how the situation looked to other people. To everyone who wasn't paying too much attention they saw a madman hurt and kidnap a ferret. What I saw was heroics. And it's always the unsung heroes that get the true reward: A child's happiness. So, I would like to say "you're welcome" to that little child and crippled ferret. For I know that without me that ferret would have led a lesser life.

For the stations sake, I was the better man and I left so the station could keep its dignity.

So there! There it is. For those that didn't know the story, now you do. The TRUE story.